Day Eight (Daughter)

So, Hi. I'm the daughter in this Dynamic Dieting Duo.
I've been doing this for about a week now, which made my mom decide to start too.
I began not exactly "dieting," but just watching what I eat, last week, at the urging of my therapist.
I've known for a while that I have an eating disorder, but it wasn't until my clothes started getting WAAAY too tight that my weight really slapped me in the face. I'm a five-foot-three fourteen-year-old girl. I didn't know how much I weighed when my favorite dress couldn't be zipped up, but I did know that I felt awful when the most expensive article of clothing I owned, which had been a tad too big when I bought it, now couldn't be zipped up over my big fat ass.
Well, it turned out my mom is just an incompetent zipper-upper, and the dress fit just fine, but it was still a wake up call. A nasty wake-up call that spurred a bout of depression and poems like this:

"Hey, You! Put that down!
You don't need more sugar now.
Time to lose some weight."

I did a whole page of weight-related haikus in my journal.
After my mopey bit, I decided to talk to my therapist about all this. I am a compulsive over-eater, which means that I just eat and eat whether I'm hungry or not. What I do is take food to my room and eat all of it; not just small amounts, but gallons of icecream, three-pond bags of pecans or frozen blueberries. Ludicrous amounts of everything. She gave me two packets: one about my fears related to weight, and the other a journal of everything I eat. I started at 172 lbs. One week later, I'm 170 lbs.
My goal is to lose one to one-and-one-half pounds per week. If I lost more than that per week, it would trigger my body's defense system, and my system would try to hold me at my current weight. I want to lose 30-40 lbs in 6 months, in time for my Quinceanera.

A Quinceanera is the latina coming-of-age ceremony which takes place on a girl's fifteenth birthday. It's a really big deal, like a cross between a sweet-sixteen and a wedding. I know, I know: I'm white. But my stepdad is from Mexico, and I grew up with the customs. So I might as well be Mexican, too.

I can't have my Quinceanera at my current weight. I just can't. I feel so ugly. Just look at that picture on the side there! I look like I'm pregnant! When I wear tank tops, I look in the mirror and I see all that bulgy fat right under my armpits, and the lines when my pants cut into my belly, and it's just gross. I want to feel beautiful, even sexy. And losing weight will help me feel that way.

Anyway, here's the contents of my packet, eh?

It's called "FEARS BENEATH THE EATING DISORDER", and the first thing it had me do was select three fears from a list, in order of how strong the fear is.
My fears were:

1.) Being rejected by friends and family
2.) Losing control and gorging
3.) Gaining weight

Then it asked me how each fear influences my behavior.

1.) I'm timid and very appeasing. When someone is yelling at me, I shut down and stonewall. I'm always afraid of losing people, so I put their needs before my own.
2.) I try not to eat large portions of breakfast, lunch, or dinner, but then I have HUGE and continuous snacking.
3.) It doesn't. I just keep gaining.

It asked what thoughts I have that trigger these behaviors.

1.) If I don't put this person before myself, I might lose them.
2.) If I eat too much of this, I'm going to look like a hippo and feel gross.
3.)If I keep gaining weight, I'm not going to be attractive and no one will want to date or marry me.

Finally, it asked for positive phrases I could use to replace those bad thoughts. My counselor told me to write my answers up pretty and pin them up where I'll see them every day. I'm going to work on making them into a poem.

1.) I'm strong and Independent. People who will only be my friend if I'm their slave are not real friends. If I just be myself, people will like me. My family will never abandon me.
2.) I have enough willpower not to eat all of this. I am strong.
3.) I can find someone to love me no matter what I weigh. I will consume a healthy number of calories.

I will begin posting what I eat tomorrow. I have a packet which I carry with me everywhere and write down everything that goes in my mouth. Personally, I don't think mom's system of remembering what she's eaten and putting it on the blog is going to work. What about soda? What about mindless snacking? I certainly can't remember those things unless I put them down right away. C'mon, mom! You should get a notebook for this to put in your purse, okay?